From ‘Fix-It’ Mode to Full-On Teamwork:
How We’re Building a Bulletproof Marriage, One Honest Conversation at a Time
Rethinking My Approach to Marriage
I've had to rethink how I approach my marriage, especially when it comes to my wife’s feelings. Brenda would tell me how she was feeling, and I’d jump straight into “fix-it” mode, trying to explain why she felt that way. I used to believe that men are more logical and women are more emotional, so I thought I was doing the right thing by trying to solve the problem. But honestly, it’s been tough for me to just sit with her emotions without immediately trying to find a solution. I’ve spent years in the military, college, and building a business, all of which taught me to focus on solving problems, not on dealing with emotions. I was taught to keep my emotions in check and just get things done, while women are often encouraged to talk about their feelings and connect on that level.
Why Marriage Doesn’t Work Like That
But marriage doesn’t work that way. I’ve talked before about how some of the things that make you successful in other areas of life don’t always work in a relationship. They might even need to be adjusted to fit better. In marriage, you can’t just rely on what you’re good at; you need your partner to fill in the gaps. For me, that meant learning to really listen, understand, and care about what my wife is going through, instead of just trying to fix it. I’m used to being the leader, the protector, the one who provides. But in marriage, those roles need to shift a bit, and my wife Brenda has helped me see that. It hasn’t always been easy, and yeah, it’s led to some arguments and frustrations.
The Importance of Listening in a Marriage
So how important is it to actually listen to your wife/husband and care about what their feeling? It’s huge. There were times when I thought, “Yeah, I hear you, but let me take care of it so you don’t have to feel this way,” and then I’d explain why she was feeling that way. I thought I was helping, but I was missing the point. As a guy, I wanted to protect her, and I didn’t want her to feel bad. But I was overcomplicating things when she was actually telling me what she needed the whole time. Why try to reinvent the wheel? Life has its systems, and I was making it more complex than it needed to be.
The Power of Active Listening and Emotional Awareness
In marriage, active listening and being aware of each other’s feelings are crucial. It can either make or break your relationship. The good thing is, if both of you are committed, patient, and still in love, you can come together as a team and say, “Okay, this isn’t working, but how do we get to a place where we’re both happy and content?”
Building a Foundation for Our Marriage
Brenda and I have been married since May 2024, engaged for just one month, and we’ve traveled across the United States together. We skipped the dating phase and jumped straight into the honeymoon phase. It was like we were walking around with flowers in our hands but had nowhere to plant them, and that can only go on for so long before the flowers start dying. That’s when we both realized we hadn’t built a foundation for our marriage. We were in reactive mode—reacting to life, reacting to each other, and learning about each other in all aspects of life. But we knew we had something worth fighting for—our love, our views on life, our goals, and our desire to make a difference in this world. We realized that life is a game, and while you can play it solo, it’s so much better when you play as a team. Life is good on your own, but it can be incredible when you’re playing in two-player mode. She can see things I can’t, and I can see things she might miss.
Developing a System to Strengthen Our Marriage
Now, we’re in this phase of building a solid foundation. What does that mean? It means that no matter what we’re going through, we have a system in place. We’re both listening, encouraging, understanding, and really speaking up to make sure we’re on the same page, rather than assuming the other person just knows what we’re talking about or what they should know without us explaining it. Sometimes, we expect our partners to be mind readers and pick up on things instantly. This is where consideration kicks in and plays its role. Being considerate of each other and asking questions like, “Do you fully understand?” and then giving positive feedback, like “Yes, I hear you, and I understand where you’re coming from. Thank you for breaking this down for me. Here’s what I can do on my part—what do you think?”
The Challenges of a Healthy Marriage in Today’s World
Entering a healthy marriage is tough in this day and age. It’s so easy to “swipe to the next,” to move on to the next thing in life, or go back to the old system that was working just fine. And the worst part is that this mindset is more encouraged than ever in today’s society. My wife and I were in Oak Ridge, Tennessee, staying at an RV park, and we met this couple who have been together since high school—they’ve been married for over 20 years if I remember correctly. I asked them, “What’s the secret to a long-lasting marriage?” They said, “Communication, keeping things fresh and interesting, and understanding one another.”
The Strength of Love, Commitment, and Faith
Now, we’re taking those lessons to heart as we build a foundation for our own marriage. We don’t let our emotions, feelings, or overthinking take control and make us react. Instead, we’re working together to build something that lasts. This has been a true strength of our love and commitment towards one another, and it’s helping us avoid misunderstandings that could otherwise drive us apart. Marriage can be a rollercoaster at times, but with our faith in God and in each other, we’re choosing to tackle this life together. Regardless of the dark times, we both know these are tests from God, bringing us closer together because He knows we can handle it—but only together, with trust, love, and commitment.
I put together 8 questions that I wrote down while writing this blog that I can talk about with my wife. I thought I would share a few of them with you below:
Awareness Questions to Strengthen Your Marriage
These questions are designed to spark meaningful conversations that can bring greater awareness to the dynamics of your marriage, helping both partners to grow closer and strengthen their relationship.
"How do you feel we are doing in terms of listening to each other? Are there times when you feel unheard or misunderstood?"
This question opens up a conversation about how well you're both listening and if there are areas for improvement.
"When we discuss problems or challenges, do you feel like I’m more focused on fixing things or understanding your feelings? How can I improve?"
This question helps identify if one partner is too focused on solving problems rather than empathizing with emotions.
"Are there moments when you feel I expect you to understand me without fully explaining myself? How can we communicate more clearly?"
This question addresses the common issue of assuming your partner can read your mind, fostering better communication.
"Do you feel that we have a solid foundation in our marriage, or are there areas where we’re still in ‘reactive mode’? How can we work together to strengthen our foundation?"
This question encourages reflection on the strength of your marriage's foundation and how to build it up.
"How do you feel about the systems we have in place for handling conflicts or difficult situations? Are they working, or do we need to make adjustments?"
This question helps assess the effectiveness of your problem-solving systems and whether they need refining.
"In what ways can I be more considerate of your feelings and needs? Are there specific things I can do to make you feel more understood and supported?"
This question invites your partner to share how you can be more thoughtful and supportive in the relationship.
"Do you think we’re on the same page when it comes to our long-term goals and values? How can we ensure we stay aligned as we move forward together?"
This question encourages a discussion about your shared vision for the future and how to stay connected in your goals.
"How does our faith and commitment to each other help us navigate the tough times? Are there ways we can strengthen this aspect of our relationship even more?"
This question explores how your shared faith and commitment play a role in your marriage and how you can continue to grow together spiritually.
